


Boy‘s Night Out

by blackchaps



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Alcohol, Drugs, M/M, Threesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-19
Updated: 2013-05-19
Packaged: 2017-12-12 08:06:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/809269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackchaps/pseuds/blackchaps
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A tree made them do it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Boy‘s Night Out

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, you have stumbled upon crack fic.

********

“If Simpson blows up lab three because I am at my thousandth ‘let‘s celebrate our meager supplies before the Wraith eat us‘ festival, I am going to-”

John whipped around, shoving his finger at him and impacting the Tac vest. “Shut up, Meredith!”

Rodney heard Ronon growl a soft counterpoint, “Now.”

Luckily, Teyla wasn‘t around to give him one of her patented death looks. She – smart woman that she was – had returned to her people for a short time. He shut his mouth firmly and resigned himself to another lost day. Next time, he was going to find some lame excuse to stay home. There was nothing to do but get out his Ancient palm pilot and make a list of things for when he got back. Snapping open a pocket, he flinched when a hand impacted the back of his head.

“Don‘t even think it,” Sheppard hissed.

“I really don‘t like you today,” Rodney hissed right back. He didn‘t dig it out though, instead trying to find some boobs to oogle. Unfortunately, this planet lacked many things; boobs being among them. Sheppard was doing his blah-blah – tubers for medicine – speech, and Rodney noticed Ronon was standing far too close. Edging away from that big hand, he tried to look interested in a nearby tree. The leaves were sorta sparkly, and Katie might like a sample. She was more into plants than trees, he thought, but women did like pretty things. He carefully removed a leaf when Sheppard and Ronon weren‘t looking.

The leaf felt like velvet, and the sparkles remained on his fingers. Shrugging, he tucked it away in a pocket of his vest.

“Rodney! Do you think you can give them a hand?”

“Don‘t be ridiculous!” Rodney snapped. Whatever medieval technology this backwater had couldn‘t be much of a challenge, but there was no reason to get dirty. His hand tingled, and he rubbed his hands together. For one brief moment, the entire planet turned on its axis, and then the world was fine, better than good. He smiled. “I‘d be happy to!”

Sheppard and Ronon both gave him an incredulous look. The head chieftain – whatever – grinned, and there was cheering. Rodney bounced on his toes a little. This was going to be fun.

********

“He okay?”

“I‘d think he‘d been smoking pot except, well, wait. Did you see him smoking anything?”

Ronon shook his head. “Nope. He hasn‘t eaten anything either.”

“Maybe, he‘s just, happy?”

They laughed, and Rodney slugged Ronon in the arm. “I can hear you morons!” He laughed loudly with them, but they stopped, looking at him oddly. “What? This is fun. You two should relax more.” He giggled and strolled away.

“Weird.”

“Totally.”

“I can hear you!”

*********

Sheppard grabbed Rodney‘s arm roughly. “Don‘t!”

Rodney dropped the fork instantly. “Citrus?”

“Loaded with it.” Sheppard moved everything away from him. “Sorry, buddy.”

Everyone at the long, wooden table must‘ve heard Rodney‘s stomach growl. Rodney sighed sadly and then perked up. “Hey, I‘ll have a power bar and some bread!”

Ronon handed him a mug of something. “This is safe.”

“Awesome,” Rodney drawled. He could feel Sheppard‘s eyes on him. “What?”

“You should be ranting, raving, and demanding we leave,” Sheppard said softly. “Um, why aren‘t you?”

First, he took a big drink, and wow, that was good, really good. “Go? We just got here!” He chewed some dark bread someone put in his hand and smiled at his far too handsome team leader. “That was good times today. We should, like, repair stuff more often.”

“That‘s all you do – fix things,” Sheppard said slowly.

“Really?” Rodney pondered that. “I thought mostly I ran and dodged flying missiles of one sort or another.”

“There‘s that too.” Ronon nodded. He was on Rodney‘s other side, and Rodney looked from one big guy to the other. “We should do this more often. You know, guy‘s night out. No chicks, not even Teyla, even though she‘s hot.”

Sheppard‘s eyes were wide. “I‘m thinking we should go.”

Rodney drank some more beer and belched tremendously. “Try the beer.” He munched his bread. The tribal leader fellow – nice enough – stood up and started making the blah-blah noises, but Rodney concentrated on eating and drinking. Someone shoved their way onto the bench, pressing Ronon closer to him, and he sorta liked it. The caveman was warm. Wasn‘t much longer before Sheppard was pushed into Rodney‘s other side. He ducked his head, and the gesture made Rodney laugh. Someone laughed with him, and his beer got a refill. Ronon slapped some more bread into Rodney‘s hand, and he ate it obediently.

Later, there was music, of a sort, and someone got up on the table and danced. Sheppard‘s mouth seemed to glitter with moisture from the beer, and Ronon‘s big hand had found its way to rest on Rodney‘s thigh.

“Really, what could be better than this?” Rodney asked no one in particular. The stars were particularly nice tonight, and he almost hated to lose sight of them, but Sheppard said it was time to get some rest so Rodney held on tight to Ronon and tried to stand. “Wow, this world really rotates fast!”

“Nothing worse than a drunk scientist,” Sheppard said and laughed.

Ronon grabbed hold of the back strap on Rodney‘s Tac vest and that helped a lot. “He‘ll sleep it off.”

Rodney caught Sheppard‘s arm and stumbled between them into some sort of tent house thing, and why didn‘t anyone make permanent structures in this galaxy? Ronon let go, and Rodney dropped to his knees on some dead animal stuff, but it wasn‘t as stinky as usual.

“We‘ll go in the morning. We take him home like this and Elizabeth will kill us.”

That was funny, and Rodney laughed. He watched his fingers struggle to get the Tac vest off, but he gave up after a while. Sheppard sighed and stripped it off him. “Sleep, now.”

“Sure.” Rodney didn‘t see a pillow but Ronon‘s leg would do fine. Sheppard threw a fur at him, and he settled down. “Nice. Did you guys have fun today? I had fun. I shouldn‘t have had fun, but I did, and it was nice. Wasn‘t it nice?”

Sheppard clapped his hand over Rodney‘s mouth. “Sleep. Think about that.”

“Grouch.” Rodney rubbed his cheek against Ronon‘s thigh. “Hey, Ronon, you in love with Teyla?”

“No!” Ronon thumped him on the head. “Why?”

Laughing was the only way to answer that, and Rodney finally had to stop or throw up. Sheppard was glaring, but he hadn‘t smacked him yet.

“Rodney, go to sleep.”

“Yeah, you said that.” Rodney switched positions, snuggling his head onto Ronon‘s shoulder. “Put your arm there. No, not there. There!”

“Are you sure you want to sleep on him?” Sheppard asked.

Rodney sat up, confused. He didn‘t want to hurt Sheppard‘s feelings. “He‘s comfy. That‘s all. Hey, wiggle closer, and we‘ll be warmer. It‘s cold tonight. I think.” He wasn‘t sure, but it was possible. Sheppard rolled his eyes, and Rodney crawled over to him.

“No,” Sheppard said firmly, pointing back towards Ronon. “Go lie down.”

“Not a dog,” Rodney muttered. He stopped but curled up close enough. After two minutes, he edged closer, and then closer, and finally he draped his leg over Sheppard‘s. “Can I take my gun off? How do you guys sleep with weapons all over your body?” He sat up in disgust. “Man, it got dark in here! Who turned out the lights?”

Ronon laughed. “They did.” His hands started picking at Rodney‘s body, and Rodney giggled several times. “Okay, guns are gone. No knives?”

“Just that one hanging off my ass.” Rodney tried to turn around but couldn‘t quite seem to make it. “It‘s not very sharp.”

“I noticed.” Ronon tossed it aside.

“I was afraid I‘d cut myself.”

“Sleep! Now!” Sheppard roared.

Flinching, Rodney moved away from him. “What a grouch. Should I take my boots off? I don‘t usually sleep in my boots, but we‘re camping. Camping is fun. Did we have s‘mores? I love those. The marshmallows have to be just right. Brown, not black. Any chocolate will do, but Hersheys is best. Oh! Never use cinnamon graham crackers. Bleah.”

“I need another beer,” Sheppard said softly.

“Can we?” Rodney started for the doorway, or where he remembered it had been. Sheppard was in the way. Rodney stopped when strong hands shoved him back.

“No!” Sheppard kept touching him. “Ronon, put him down. He‘s not going anywhere.”

“Wait! No! Ow!” Rodney‘s back hit the furs. “That was … cool.” He stretched up and pulled Ronon closer. “You smell good. Like leather. And beer.”

Ronon grunted but said nothing. Sheppard made a funny noise, and Rodney smiled.   

“I could knock him out,” Ronon said.

“Don‘t tempt me.”

“You two are assholes, but I like you both.” Rodney skimmed his hand over Ronon‘s short beard. “Come on, admit it, you‘re drunk too!” He giggled and wrapped his hand around Ronon‘s neck. “It was great beer. Let‘s take some kegs home.”

Sheppard groaned. “Rodney, I really want some sleep. Please.”

“Oh.” Rodney felt guilty, and that made him think of Katie. “Sorry. I‘ll, um, be quiet.”

“Good.”

Ronon sank down very close, and Rodney curled under him. “Nice and warm.” He shut his eyes – he didn‘t think they were open – breathing deeply. Ronon‘s shirt fell open right in front of Rodney‘s lips, and he kissed the skin, tasted the skin, wanted more skin. “You mind?”

“Rodney,” Sheppard growled.

“Oh, sorry.” Rodney decided to go back to kissing. Ronon hadn‘t told him not to, and Sheppard wanted him quiet. With a tiny groan, he shifted so he could get into Ronon‘s neck. He was panting a little when he came up for air, but Ronon tucked him closer.

“Is he kissing you?”

“Seems that way.”

Rodney bit down firmly and sucked before Sheppard could tell him to quit. Ronon made a soft noise.

“Think he‘ll pass out?”

“Doubt it.”

Dragging his lips down further, Rodney wondered if they knew he could hear them. Not that he cared. He could feel Ronon‘s erection digging into him. It was big enough to keep the village happy, much less him.

“We should probably go home.”

Ronon didn‘t answer, and Rodney dipped his tongue lower. Sheppard sighed.

“You gonna to let him do that?”

“Guy‘s night out,” Ronon said with a grunt. “Go over there, if you don‘t want to help him.”

With an effort, Rodney reached, managed to find a bony knee, and squeezed. Sheppard didn‘t flinch away and a few seconds later, warmth curled into Rodney‘s back.

“Yeah,” Rodney breathed. He trembled and let his hands do what they‘d always wanted.

*********

“My God, are there two suns in this solar system?” Rodney put his shaking hands over his eyes. “I‘m blind!”

“Time to go home.” Sheppard pulled, and Rodney fell out of the tent. The ground felt great. He‘d rest there for a week or two.

Ronon yanked him up. “Walk.”

“Gah,” Rodney said, but he thought maybe his legs were moving. “Can‘t we stay a few more hours?”

“Elizabeth said now.” Sheppard put his sunglasses over Rodney‘s eyes, and that did help. “Some sort of drone crisis.”

“Sounds bad.” Ronon slung his arm under Rodney‘s shoulders and held him up. “Left foot then right.”

“Oh.” Rodney tried walking some more. “Drones again.” He swallowed hard. His stomach hated him. “She‘s going to kill me.”

“Yep.” Sheppard spat to the side. “You have a headache, Ronon?”

“No.” Ronon stopped, and Rodney slid down to his knees. He needed a minute. Sheppard and Ronon pulled him up between them. “Move it, McKay.”

Rodney made a few gargling noises, shut his eyes, and stumbled along between them. It took forever to get to the gate, and when they arrived, Sheppard gave him a hard shake.

“You will march in that gateroom, back straight, and say nothing. You can vomit in your room!”

“Okay,” Rodney whispered. It was a plan. He might get out of this yet. Reluctantly, he handed the sunglasses back and straightened. “I can do this.”

The ka-woosh nearly killed him. So loud. God. So loud. He stepped through the event horizon into the longest, most stomach-twisting, three point two seconds of his life.

Dropping to the Atlantis‘s very sturdy floor, he threw up. Sheppard said something sarcastic that was impossible to hear. Rodney swayed and let the floor cradle him. The trip up to the gurney was a painful one, and he had to puke twice more during the ride to the infirmary.

“Jesus, McKay,” Sheppard said loudly.

“I want an IV in him now. Colonel, what the bloody hell is going on?”

Managing to get his arm over his eyes, Rodney groaned.

“He was drunker than a skunk!” Sheppard whispered loudly. “Send him to his room to let him puke in peace.”

“Oh.” Carson patted Rodney‘s arm. “Well, then.”

“Sorry,” Rodney whispered. “I was happy. It was weird.” He gagged and threw up in a silver bowl.

“Happy? Rodney?”

“Yeah, we were helping the natives do a few chores, and Rodney seemed to be enjoying himself and then he drank way too much beer and couldn‘t eat the food because of the citrus in it, and-”

“Okay, Colonel, that‘s enough,” Carson interrupted. “Get some blood and let‘s get him to a room.”

Rodney was glad to hear it. He hoped they‘d dim the lights.

*********

“What?”

“I‘m sure of it.”

Rodney hated to wake up but people were yelling by his bed. “Guys, go away. Please. I never say please, but really, go away.”

“Rodney, listen to me.” Sheppard loomed into Rodney‘s vision. “Did you eat anything? Touch anything on that planet?”

“Well, beer, bread, yeah.” Rodney remembered that, barely. “Ronon gave it to me.” He felt his eyes roll.

Carson put a hand to Rodney‘s forehead. “Lad, anything else? Anything at all?”

He tried to remember. It was all a blur after the beer. “I brought Katie a leaf. It‘s in my vest. The sparkly trees.”

“I‘ll go get it,” Sheppard said, and he vanished. Rodney swallowed hard and hoped he didn‘t hurl again.

“Did you lick it?”

“Do I look insane?” Rodney whispered. “I really don‘t feel well.” And he resented the small chuckle he heard from Carson.

“I imagine not. Sleep it off.” Carson dimmed the lights again. Rodney cautiously rolled to his side. Some more sleep would be nice.

*********

“Drones. Wait. There was a drone problem.” Rodney stopped stumbling down the hallway and rounded on Sheppard. “Are we dead?”

“I fixed it. Zelenka is pouting.” Sheppard opened the door for him. “Shower. Sleep. You‘re not allowed anywhere near the labs until tomorrow, and you‘ve passed a blood test.”

“I‘m fine!” Rodney clutched his head, vowed to stop yelling, and staggered in his room. “Go away. I mean it this time. I‘m going to brush my teeth, and no one should have to witness that.”

“When you‘re able to form actual thoughts, I‘m going to impress upon you how incredibly stupid you were.”

Rodney refused to nod. He opened his mouth and stuck out his tongue. Sheppard fled; his face screwed up as if he‘d seen something horrible. No doubt he had. Rodney left a trail of clothes on the way to the shower, and if the water hit him before he had his boxers off, it was not his fault. He brushed his teeth in the shower, retched several times, and fell in his bed still slightly wet. Later, after he was reamed for a touching a damn leaf, he‘d ask what else had happened.

*********

Rolling over, Rodney sat up and winced. The idea of getting out of bed seemed insurmountable, and he flopped back down, groaning.

“Coffee?”

Rodney let out a small screech of surprise. “Are you trying to give me a heart attack?” he asked as he grabbed for the coffee, ignoring aches, pains, and a strange twinge in a place where there shouldn‘t be one. Nothing mattered but the caffeine, and he slurped before blowing. It wasn‘t too hot, and he drank most of it before coming up for air.

“I may live.”

Ronon said nothing, and it was a relief. His eyes did travel up and down, and Rodney blushed bright red when he realized why.

“I never sleep naked!” Rodney put the coffee down and made a dash for some clothes. Ronon laughed, and that made it worse. Rodney shot him a glare. “Shut up. Not all of us have abs of steel.”

“Gotta nice ass.” Ronon shrugged. “You sore?”

Before Rodney could find a coherent thought, Ronon put his hand to his comm and walked out. Shock worked its way through Rodney‘s system – or it might‘ve been the blast of caffeine – and very tentatively he put his hand back to the place in question.

“Well, ow.” Rodney didn‘t poke around too much. It ached, and he sorta knew what that meant. He got dressed, went back to his coffee, and sat stunned. “My ass hurts. As if …” He couldn‘t say it. “With Ronon?” He cringed. “Not possible,” he whispered. He shifted on his butt and tried to ignore empirical evidence. “Not going there.”

The door opened, and he glanced up. “Learn to knock.”

“I thought maybe you were still passed out.” Sheppard had coffee too. Rodney drained his first cup and reached for the new one. He really needed to ask a few questions, but it could wait. Maybe forever. He tried to find a more comfortable spot for his ass and discovered that Sheppard was smirking.

“You have something to say?”

Sheppard coughed. “You sore?”

Words failed him. Completely. Rodney could only stare dumbfounded. Apparently, he‘d been neither discreet nor wise in his choice of bed partners. Ronon was, from the feel of it, hung like a horse. Sheppard raised his eyebrows. “Breathe, Rodney.”

The first breath hurt, but he managed another one, and then he drank some more coffee since his lungs didn‘t want to work. Sheppard stared right at him the entire time, and then suddenly ducked his head. That was a blush. It hit him like a ton of bricks, and Rodney put the coffee down before he dropped it.

“You too?” Rodney asked, hearing the horror in his voice. His answer was Sheppard fleeing from the room. “God, I am a slut.”

*********

“Rodney?”

“Go away.” Rodney didn‘t take the pillow off his head. It was much later, as he‘d fallen asleep after the initial trauma had passed. He‘d slept with two-thirds of his team, the entire male population. Not just slept, he‘d had crazy drunken sex with them. The guys. Teyla hadn‘t even been in the room to sop his ego.

“I brought you some food.” Carson‘s voice was low. “You need ta eat.”

Throwing a pillow off, he tried to find a glare. “You want blood, don‘t you?”

“Oh, aye, but remember your hypoglycemia.” Carson perched on the side edge of the bed. “Sit up and eat. You‘ll feel better.”

Rodney sat up and allowed the tray to be put in his lap as if he were ten. “So I was drunk _and_ high.”

“Very high. Ridiculously high.” Carson pointed at the food. “And you didn‘t really eat. Do you remember anything?”

“No. Thank God.” Rodney meant that. He poked at some food and then took a bite. “I do remember being happy, really happy. It was weird.”

“I bet.” Carson grinned. He moved away and pulled up a chair. “The oil from the leaf was absorbed through your skin. I sent a team back to gather up a bunch of it. It may have medicinal properties.”

“And you can always be happy.” Rodney didn‘t want to talk about this. He ate his food, wincing when Carson drained a good portion of blood from him. “Feel free to leave now.”

Carson shrugged and left, and Rodney hid back under his covers. Some more sleep would help him forget, but he couldn‘t manage it, tossing from side to side.

One more time, he reached back, touched himself, and tried to think. He distinctly remembered the lack of good-looking women, Ronon‘s warmth, and, and, not much else. Kissing?

“Damn it,” Rodney cursed, hating what he was about to do, but he had to know. Getting it out of Sheppard would be impossible, but Ronon would give him the bare bones story. From there, he‘d either go yell at Sheppard or throw things at him, or both.

*********

“Thought you were sleeping?”

“Yes, well, I have a few too many aches and pains to sleep right now. Pains that I understand you put there!” Rodney went ahead and got a little noisy. They were on the firing range, and it was just himself and Ronon, so it was safe.

Ronon blew the target in half. “Your idea.”

“I was drunk! Didn‘t you consider saying no?” Rodney waved his hands wildly in the general direction of his ass.

“Not after you crawled on top.” Ronon grinned and spun his gun into the holster. “You weren‘t that drunk.”

Rodney rubbed his forehead. He was getting nowhere with this conversation except deeper in a well of shame. “I was drunk _and_ high!” He waited for an apology, but Ronon was loading a gun of some sort – a big gun. Finally, Ronon looked at him.

“Guy‘s night out – maybe again some time?”

“I think there‘s some sort of cultural dissonance going on here! Don‘t you feel the least bit guilty you took advantage of me when I was incapacitated?” Rodney yelled at the top of his lungs.

“Dunno what that means, but you got on top. You did giggle a lot.” Ronon tilted his head and fired the gun without looking directly at the target. It was a perfect kill shot. “I had a hard time keeping up with you.”

“Okay, stop! Stop! Stop!” Rodney put his hands over his ears and ran out of the room. The sound of gunfire continued, and he knew Ronon had told him nothing but the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the whole sordid truth. He gasped for air and had to sit down in a small alcove. He‘d been on top? He had bare glimmer of what that meant, and how Sheppard had managed to even look at him was a mystery. Wait. He put his head in his hands and tried to breathe. Sheppard? Liked guys? Rodney felt the floor tip up, and he remembered to take a breath.

“Rodney?” Sheppard moved close and stood practically over him. “You were told to stay in your quarters.”

“I was?” Rodney didn‘t think so.

Sheppard tugged him up. “I thought Carson made that pretty clear. He wants the drug out of your system before you play with ten thousand year old equipment.”

Licking his lips, Rodney opened his mouth to deliver a sounding rebuke on at least three levels when he caught sight of Elizabeth, bearing down on them.

“I thought you were resting!” Elizabeth‘s forehead tightened like it did when she was displeased.

“Uh, well, I …” He had nothing. “Confused?” He glanced from Sheppard to Elizabeth, hoping they‘d come up with something to help him out. Sheppard looked as if he was trying not to laugh. Rodney slumped his shoulders and stuck his hands in his pockets. “I‘ll go to bed?”

“John, why don‘t you make sure Rodney gets there.” Elizabeth paused. “Unless there‘s something you want to tell me, Rodney?”

Rodney happened to notice the tiny glare she gave Sheppard. “Uh, no? Just, that, well, I made a mistake, touching that leaf, even though leaves and grass _should_ be perfectly safe. Anything that looks nice is probably something bad. In this galaxy.” He could almost feel the tension in Sheppard‘s body. “I – it was stupid, and then I drank some, not too much, but, also, not so smart.”

Her eyes seemed very accusing, and he faltered, trying to think of something else. He gulped. “If you want to take me off the team, I won‘t complain, much. For a week maybe?”

“I‘m surprised your team leader didn‘t bring you home,” Elizabeth ground out.

He swallowed hard. “It was very late when we finished repairing … their stuff.” He had no real memory of fixing anything. “I wanted to sleep.”

“So, you‘re saying that Colonel Sheppard didn‘t know you were drugged?”

Sheppard shifted, and Rodney waved his hand. “How could he? He thought I‘d had one too many beers, and really, that‘s no big deal.” He took a deep breath. “We‘ve all been to a crazy harvest festival or two.” He tried to laugh.

Elizabeth didn‘t look completely convinced, but some of the tension went out of her body. “Well, you did make a very good trade. I‘ll keep this out of the records this time, but Rodney, no more chances with strange flora. Do I need to have the botanists give the teams a lecture or two?”

“Please, God, no,” Rodney whispered. He pointed towards his quarters. “I‘m going that way?”

“No working until Carson clears you.” Elizabeth smiled – a real one. “I‘m very sure Colonel Sheppard will have a conversation with you at some point about your future on his team.”

“Sure,” Rodney mumbled, unwilling to look any further than Sheppard‘s boots. He should tie them better.

Sheppard made an exasperated noise. “Yes, yes, he will. When McKay‘s eyes aren‘t going different directions.”

Rodney resisting touching them. Elizabeth nodded. “Make sure he gets back to his quarters.”

Protesting about them talking about him in front of him seemed like too much work. Instead, he tried to straighten his shoulders. “I‘ll be back at work tomorrow.”

“We‘ll see.” Sheppard put his hand on Rodney‘s shoulder and started pushing without letting go. “Let‘s go, buddy.”

The trip back seemed very long. Rodney swallowed down all the questions and obscenities he wanted to yell and walked. Sheppard didn‘t say a word, and that made the walk even longer.

When they got to his door, Sheppard gave him a squeeze. “We‘ll talk later. Sleep some more first.”

“You and me? Really?” Rodney had a hard time believing it. “Wait. You‘re going to yell at me.”

“At first, yes.” Sheppard smiled. “I can do it now if you want.”

Rodney opened his door and went to straight to his bed. “Go ahead.” He lay on his stomach. “Then, I want to discuss how often you have sex with drunk people.”

Sheppard flushed a deep red. “No!” He turned on his heel and went to the door. “Consider yourself confined to your quarters until further notice.”

“That is so unfair,” Rodney mumbled. He‘d disobey that order later. He didn‘t hear the door shut, but he closed his eyes and tried to picture it. Ronon and Sheppard. He‘d had sex with both of them. It was still somewhat surreal, even though his ass insisted it had happened. “Stupid sparkly tree.”

********

“Touch your hands together over your head without looking.”

“I will not!” Rodney frowned. He wasn‘t even going to stand. “You took some blood, now scurry back to your rattles.”

Carson sighed and rolled his eyes. “The drug is still in your system. I need to find out how it‘s affecting your motor skills!”

Rodney crossed his arms. “No.” He wasn‘t going to take a chance that he‘d say ‘ow‘ and Carson would ask questions that would lead to a prostate exam. “Leave.” He did still feel wobbly, and it had taken him three tries to capture his jello at dinner, but Carson could forget it.

“I willna clear you for duty until the drug is gone. It was far too powerful. I had your Tac vest destroyed.” Carson looked annoyed now. “How are you mentally? Everything clear? Did your memory come back?”

“Fine. Yes. No.” Rodney would never admit that complex quantum physics equations had made his eyes cross. He was still ashamed. “Anything else?”

There was a chime at the door, and Carson got it before Rodney could move.

“Is, um, Rodney here?”

“Katie,” Rodney whispered, wanting to die from mortification. He eased to his feet and hoped he wasn‘t swaying.

Carson grinned. “Come in. Maybe you can convince him to have a full exam. Rodney, I‘ll be back later.”

Rodney went ahead and glared. “Don‘t bother. You can have more blood tomorrow, not before.” He made a shooing motion. Carson left, but he had that stubborn look on his face that meant he‘d be back. Rodney might lock his door permanently. He laced his hands together so they wouldn‘t flutter.

“How are you, Katie?” he asked softly. He always made sure to be gentle around her.

A smile hovered, and her eyes crinkled. “I‘m fine. You‘re not. You need to do what Carson says.”

“Uh, no?” Rodney grinned, but it was so fake. “I‘m really doing much better. He‘s being annoying.” He really should get bigger quarters. They usually met at hers where there was room to sit down, or pace.

Katie finally smiled. “All this because of me?”

Flush crept up Rodney‘s neck. “No. My fault. I was … stupid.” His ass agreed with that, and he was afraid he looked horrified. If she knew, she‘d never speak to him again.

She sidled closer and patted his arm. “Have you ever thought that maybe you should stay on Atlantis? Focus on your job as Chief Science Officer?” Her eyes were bright, and she was so pretty, and he liked her, he did, and he glanced down at her bosom and had no urge to lick the skin peeking out of her blouse. He should have wanted that. He‘d never been gay before. Maybe, it was her, and he wasn‘t that attracted to her very fair skin.

Inching into her air space, he smelled her. It was a good smell, but the sudden memory of Ronon‘s rich leather scents clogged his nose. He staggered back and sat down hard on the bed. “Ow!”

“Rodney!” Katie went very pale.

He waved his hand at her. “I‘m fine! Really!” His head wasn‘t on straight, but he tried not to show it. “Dizzy for a second. It‘s gone.”

Sympathy poured off her. “Please. Resign from the team. For us.”

Rodney was a damn fool when it came to women, but even he knew when he was being steered towards the church. She sat down, so close, and gave him a gentle kiss on the corner of his mouth.

_He sucked Ronon‘s tongue hard, filling his mouth._

“Oh, God,” he whimpered. She jerked away, and he stood up fast. “Katie, I-”

“Please,” Katie begged. “It‘s too dangerous. A leaf nearly killed you! And why would you collect a leaf for me anyway?”

“I was never in any danger. I was just drugged.” Rodney trembled, feeling caught, trapped, and knowing in his gut that he‘d never give up his team. “Katie. Don‘t ask me to do this.”

“Rumor is that Colonel Sheppard wants you gone. Take advantage of this and go out gracefully.” Katie‘s eyes were so big and pretty. He liked her. He did. She was trying to look out for him, and that was great. It meant she cared.

He took her by the hand. “Katie, you‘re really special.”

Her eyes suddenly blazed. “You won‘t do it. Not even to save us.” It was her first display of any emotion that wasn‘t sweet, kind, or confused. “You don‘t love me enough.”

Rodney didn‘t have the courage to tell her that he didn‘t love her at all. Gratitude and liking weren‘t love, and he bowed his head. “I won‘t quit the team.”

“And if he throws you out like last week‘s garbage?” she snapped. “He‘s military.”

He flinched. Sheppard wouldn‘t do that, but she didn‘t understand. Rodney shrugged and got to his feet fast. He nearly fell down. “I‘m sorry, Katie.”

“I never thought you‘d hurt me this way.” She didn‘t meet his eyes. “Go see Carson. Before you hurt yourself.” She hurried from the room, and he sat down heavily on the floor. Putting his head on his arm, he knew he wasn‘t going to chase after her. She‘d asked too much. He was very ashamed that he couldn‘t dredge up some tears. There was also the point that if he‘d been kissing Ronon, and all evidence suggested that he had, she needed to find someone else to date – someone completely heterosexual.

Shutting his eyes tight, he tried very hard to remember if Sheppard‘s mouth had been in the equation. It was possible. Nothing sparked in his mind, and he sighed loud and long. One leaf had turned his life upside down. He was always yelling at people not to touch things, but in a moment of guilt he‘d forgotten the first rule – touch nothing and live another day.

It was almost like a bad country song.

“I suck.” And suddenly he could remember it, images flashing in front of his eyes, and he cringed. Boy, did he ever suck. Sheppard had thoroughly enjoyed it too.

The door slid open. “Rodney!”

He groaned. Couldn‘t people leave him alone for one second?

“This is Colonel Sheppard. I‘ve got a medical emergency in Rodney‘s quarters.”

Rodney pushed with both arms, felt them shake, but sat up. “I‘m okay.” He rubbed his face.

Sheppard knelt next to him. “Did you pass out? What happened?”

“Nothing,” he said quietly, unwilling to discuss Katie Brown. He pushed away a seeking hand, and Carson burst through the door with a gurney right behind him. It was ridiculous. Sheppard got behind him and lifted, and Rodney tried very hard not to fall down again.

“Found him on the floor. He‘s shaking.”

“That‘s it. I want him in the infirmary with an IV.” Carson raised one of Rodney‘s eyelids. “His eyes are still dilated more than I like.

“Why didn‘t Katie call me?” Carson muttered, and Rodney grabbed him by the arm.

“Leave her out of this. I‘m a little shaky, yes. I need some sleep. That‘s all.” Rodney took a small step towards the bed. “Don‘t over-react.”

“He was on the floor, half passed out.” Sheppard put his hands on his hips. “I want him in the infirmary now. No more fooling around. Get that drug out of him!”

Carson‘s eyes widened. “You heard the man. Ride or walk?”

Walking was a dicey proposition, and if he fell along the way, it would be embarrassing. “I‘ll ride, but I‘m lodging a formal protest. I need some sleep, nothing else.”

“Right.” Carson was humoring him. That was obvious.

Sheppard pointed, and Rodney put up his hands in resignation. This was very stupid, but he shouldn‘t have worked the drama on the floor. Katie was gone. He was going to be fine, if lonely, and he‘d have never given up his team for her.

“What‘s that on your hands?” Sheppard frowned.

Rodney looked. He hadn‘t noticed it since the village. “Oh, those are the sparkles. I touched the leaf, rubbed my hands together, and then-” He blinked. “Everything spun around and I was happy.” He looked closer. “I think there are less of them.”

“Bloody hell?” Carson motioned Sheppard back. “Don‘t touch him.”

“Little late for that,” Sheppard drawled, and Rodney fought away a blush.

Carson got very close but didn‘t reach, peering at Rodney‘s hands. “If you touched him while they were fresh, you could‘ve been infected as well and not known it. Go take a shower. Check for sparkles. Tell Ronon to also.”

Sheppard nodded and touched his ear, moving away.

“Keep your hands up, Rodney. Get on the gurney.” Carson shook his head in disgust. “Nasty little buggers. Interesting long term effects though. I‘ll get with the botanists and-”

Rodney stopped listening. He got up on the gurney and lay flat, being careful to keep his hands up and away. The sparkles were responsible for their team orgy. He hadn‘t really done it. It was either comforting or annoying to know the truth. He wasn‘t sure which. Ronon and Sheppard hadn‘t really wanted him. They‘d been drugged too. Of course, Ronon was ready to do it again. Rodney hoped Carson sedated him. He needed some time away.

*********

“Carson?”

Rodney pretended to still be asleep. There was no way he wanted to talk to Elizabeth.

“You have a report for me?”

“Oh, aye.” Carson didn‘t move that far away. They were easy to hear. “I flushed Rodney‘s hands thoroughly, finally using a rather abrasive chemical to remove the last of the drug. He‘s bouncing back fast now. Colonel Sheppard had a single sparkle – as Rodney calls them – on his arm, and Ronon had two on his neck. In my opinion, they were all under the influence of the drug.”

“That‘s why John didn‘t gate home,” Elizabeth said slowly.

“He wasna thinking clearly. None of them were.” Carson sounded pleased, but Rodney knew it was nothing more than the pleasure of solving a medical mystery. “Rodney‘s hands are a mite sore, but he‘ll be fine by tomorrow.”

“That‘s good news. Colonel Sheppard and Ronon?”

“Very trace amounts. They‘ll be right as rain by tonight.”

Rolling to his side, Rodney flexed his hands and winced. It did hurt. Carson had taken the top layer of skin off.

“Rodney, lad, what else happened on that planet?” Carson pulled up a stool and sat down.

“Nothing.” Rodney tried so hard to lie without looking guilty. “That I remember. We ate, things got very blurry, and I woke up with a splitting headache.”

Carson didn‘t look convinced. “Did you have sex? Do I need to start a round of antibiotics for STD‘s?”

“Oh, God.” The words slipped out before Rodney thought about it. Ronon and Sheppard were clean. Of course they were. Telling Carson that was impossible, and now he knew. Rodney swallowed some spit and said, “Katie doesn‘t know. Please. Don‘t tell her. I was … not myself.”

“You‘re my patient, Rodney.” Carson sighed softly. “Keep an eye out for lesions or sores, and I‘ll start you on the proper meds.”

Rodney winced and nearly gagged. “I‘m sure I‘m clean.” He saw the look. Meds were coming his way, and it was easier to take them than confess he‘d had crazy sex with Sheppard and Ronon. He shrugged. “Fine.”

“Maybe I should give you a head-to-toe physical.”

Snapping his head up, Rodney panicked. “No. You won‘t, and you can‘t make me, and just, no!”

“Aw, bloody hell.” Carson‘s eyes widened. “You had multiple partners of both sexes. Rodney, you were out of your mind. No one will blame you.”

“Katie would. Elizabeth would. I do!” Rodney tucked the blankets to his chin. “You, shut up about this, and no!”

Carson stared at him for the longest time. “Any blood?”

Shutting his eyes, he clamped his lips shut. This had to be the worst experience of his life, after the best sex of his life. It was all so damn unfair, and no, he hadn‘t bled. The very idea made him want to throw up. “No!” he burst out, knowing that Carson would demand a rectal exam next.

“Good.” Carson patted Rodney‘s shoulder. “Rodney, I hope you learned your lesson.”

Yelling at him would be a total waste of time. “Carson, I swear, stop talking to me!” He indulged himself with a scream, so glad when Carson actually left.

*********

The East Pier was deserted, and Rodney breathed a huge sigh of relief. He was out of the infirmary – again – cleared for work tomorrow, and he no longer felt like a limp noodle. He still felt like a fool, but that was normal enough when it came to his personal relationships. Brilliance, for him, only came at work.

Settling down with a good view of the water and the sinking sun, he heated his MRE. Before his meal was finished or the sun was down, he saw a lone figure walking towards him. The hair was unmistakeable, and Rodney seriously considered throwing himself in the ocean.

Sheppard didn‘t sit down. He walked past him, staring out at the ocean. Rodney ate and didn‘t look up at him, much. They had to talk, even he knew that. For the good of the team, if nothing else, but neither of them wanted to do it.

“Better?”

“Yeah.” Rodney had eaten five meals today, making up for lost time. “Elizabeth get off your back?”

“And she apologized.” Sheppard barked his odd laugh. “Ronon thinks we‘re all nuts.”

“He‘s right,” Rodney said softly, glad Elizabeth had done it. She‘d been hard on Sheppard for no good reason.

Sheppard suddenly turned and sat down next to him. “Katie broke up with you, huh?”

Rodney didn‘t want to answer. Everyone on the base knew about it by now, but that didn‘t make it any easier to swallow. “She wanted me to quit the team.” He saw Sheppard‘s eyebrows go up. “Rumor is that I‘m going to be kicked off, so I might as well quit, and she wanted it for us.”

The sun sank farther, and Rodney swiveled enough to see the lights of the city. Sheppard didn‘t move. “Not sure what to say.”

“I usually don‘t shut up long enough for you to get a word in, but I don‘t know what to say either.” Rodney took a big breath. “I screwed up, and I don‘t deserve a nice girl like Katie.”

“I thought you didn‘t know what to say.” Sheppard smirked and gave Rodney a small push. “You did mess up, but Katie shouldn‘t have given you an ultimatum. Once they start that, it never ends.”

Nodding, Rodney tried to believe it, but it wasn‘t easy. “Am I off the team?” he asked.

The glare from Sheppard made him squirm. “Rodney, you broke procedure, endangered yourself and your team, got us all high, and threw up on my boots. Then you didn‘t cooperate with Carson, made yourself sicker, and scared me by lying on the floor in a heap.”

“Guess that‘s a yes.” Rodney thought it sounded worse than it had been. “Think Katie will get back with me?”

“No!” Sheppard roared. “We had great sex!”

Rodney‘s mouth fell open. He hadn‘t expected that. “I, uh, remember the blow job, but that‘s it.” He ducked his head and stared at the ocean. The sun would be completely down soon, and he should go back. “It _was_ great,” he said begrudingly.

Sheppard put his hand on Rodney‘s shoulder. “Did you always want him, me?”

The truth was nestled deep in Rodney‘s screwed up brain, and he wasn‘t sure he wanted to dig it out. He shrugged and found something to say that wasn‘t a lie. “I wanted you.” Three little words that drove a stake right through his vaunted heterosexuality and any chance to be with Katie.

“Good. I feel less guilty.” Sheppard brushed his hand through his hair. “You were …” His sentence trailed off.

“A slut? Yeah, I know. I‘ve never even been with two girls!” Rodney dropped his face into his hands and groaned. “Ronon wants another guy‘s night out.”

“Wow. He must like you. He didn‘t even mention it to me.” Sheppard moved so their shoulders bumped, and Rodney leaned against him shamelessly. “No, Rodney, you were … great. Sorta demanding, but I expected that.”

Rodney considered crawling for the edge. He shoved his mind away from Sheppard‘s hands, right there, close, and tried to focus on his future. “No team for me?” he whispered.

The answer was quick enough to reassure him that Sheppard meant it. “I‘m making an example of you. Dr. Pagilla is teaching a class – Plants to Avoid in the Pegasus Galaxy, and How Not to Lick Them,” Sheppard drawled. “You‘re taking it.”

“Oh, that is so not fair!” Rodney protested more because he should than from any real sense of outrage. Wait. “What? Dr. Pagilla? The Pakistani fellow whose voice can cut glass? I didn‘t lick it! Damn it!”

Sheppard grinned. “Starts tomorrow. Eight a.m.”

“Oh, God.” Rodney let the horror seep through his brain. “That‘s cruel.”

“I thought of it myself,” Sheppard said with real pride. He dropped his hand on Rodney‘s thigh and squeezed. “Now, before I lose my courage, you want me to butt out with you and Ronon?”

The heat from Sheppard‘s hand was the only warm spot on Rodney‘s body. Rodney hadn‘t thought about it a lot because the idea behind it all appalled him deeply, but he knew what he wanted. “John, I wanted it, but I never would have, and now I did, and-” He was making no sense, but he kept trying. “Ronon is really handsome, but it‘s, um, oh, God, I think I‘m going to faint.”

“Pass out.”

“Whatever.” Rodney snuck a peek at him. Sheppard‘s pointy ears were slighty red, but he looked calm enough. Taking another deep breath, Rodney forced it out. “I like you. More than … I should.”

The dark settled on top of them; the lights of the city bright now against the night. “Well,” Sheppard said slowly; he really should talk faster, “yeah, but you wouldn‘t want to do anything crazy on the rebound.”

Rodney hadn‘t thought of that. “I like her,” he said softly. “Don‘t tell her what I did. It would, really, really hurt her. Please.”

“I wouldn‘t. Ronon wouldn‘t.” Sheppard eased to his feet and extended his hand. “Come on. It‘s getting cold.”

“Yes, yes.” Rodney let him pull. “So, you, um, like me too?” He wanted the words back after they‘d popped out. “Never mind. Ignore me. It‘s the drug.”

Sheppard pulled, getting them both moving towards the outer door. “Liar. But, yeah, I like you. Ronon likes you. We‘re a team.”

That was an easy avoidance that meant a lot but not all that much at the same time. Rodney sighed loudly and had to hurry to keep up because Sheppard didn‘t turn him loose. Right as they got to the door, Ronon opened it.

“Thought you guys had gone swimming.”

“Sheppard was chastizing me on my inability to keep my hands to my self.” Rodney felt Sheppard give a tiny tug and let him slip away.

Ronon shrugged. “I had a good time.”

“I know! Stop talking about it!” Rodney put his hands over his ears and hurried. They followed, not fast, staying right behind him. He didn‘t need an escort, but stopping wasn‘t a good idea. When he got to his quarters, he opened the door and went inside.

They stopped right outside, and Sheppard shuffled his feet. “You going to sleep?”

Rodney found his throat clogged with anxiety. “No,” he choked out. “I was, um-” He saw Sheppard‘s smirk and Ronon twitched, but it was too soon. Far too soon. Rodney stepped back close to them and lowered his voice. “Thanks, guys, but, um, I need some time.”

“We know.” Ronon gave him a hug that hurt, and Sheppard laughed. They left with smiles and that made everything – even his morning meeting with Dr. Pagilla – easier.

********

“Glad you could make the team meeting, Rodney.” Sheppard glowered.

Rodney glared right back. “I was up all night working on the sanitation system!” He plopped down next to Teyla. “Thank God you‘re back. Sheppard needs a good stout smack across his-”

“Rodney, how‘s the class coming?” Sheppard interrupted loudly.

Ronon handed him a biscuit. Rodney nibbled it and shrugged. “Fine.”

Sheppard didn‘t look convinced. “Ronon, get me a report from Pagilla later.”

“Oh, come on!” Rodney protested. “I‘m not a child!”

“All knowledge is useful, Dr. McKay,” Teyla said smoothly.

Rodney watched Sheppard smirk. Saying anything would probably get him in more trouble. Ronon gave him a piece of faux bacon. Rodney shifted his attention there. “Thanks.”

“Gotta eat.” Ronon hunched a little further over his tray. “Now get your own.”

Laughing softly, Rodney got up with a yawn. “I‘m getting some breakfast. Feel free to gossip about me while I‘m gone.”

“Did that earlier,” Ronon said, and Rodney saw Sheppard wince. Teyla looked away as if she had no idea what was going on, and the whole little scene made Rodney smile. His team was back, and he was on it. He‘d never belonged to anything before this, and this little group meant more to him than anyone would ever know.

Katie had never understood, and in that moment, Rodney got over her. He straightened his shoulders and went to find some more bacon.

********

“Please, God, not another harvest festival,” Rodney muttered, somewhere between appalled and excited at the idea of a good beer.

Ronon gave him a nudge and a lazy grin that went right to Rodney‘s groin. “Boy‘s night out.”

********

the end


End file.
